- Mood:
Miserable - Listening to: :: Reflection :: Tool ::
Hello, Ma.
I stopped by your Youtube page a couple of days ago and it took everything in me not to cry. I even left a message there for you and will visit your Gaia page to leave another message for you there as well. It helps me to be able to talk to you in some way though our conversations are now all one-sided.
So, wow, lucky you. You're partying with so many amazing people now. Bernie Mac has to be keeping you laughing and Isaac Hayes is probably singing his infamous Chef song constantly. Or is he singing Shaft? Then you've got Latino Heat to joke around with, I can just see you two now. Oh, the stories you'd have to tell.
And now, you've even got Michael. It must be nice. Can you tell him that I've always loved him? Despite everything I always loved him and that goes for you as well. No matter what I was told, I always remained loyal and I always loved you.
Part of me still doesn't believe you're gone, even though I saw your body in that casket on that day. And then that casket was lowered into the ground never to be again.
I'll never understand the way that Death claims it's next victim and I don't think I ever will.
However, I don't think it's for me to understand. I just wish that I knew how you died. Because I was there, I was awake and I was so close to your room and many times I told myself to go in there but I didn't until morning.
Is this all your wish?
Is this what you wanted?
There are so many questions.
Your birthday is coming up and I wonder if your sons even remember. It's amazing how we all kind of crumbled away on our own once you left us. I never realized how much we depended on you just being there. It didn't matter if you were cursing and screaming or breaking things - anything would be better than this.
Because now I have nothing. All the things that I complained about are gone and I miss them.
I think of all the times you showed me affection and I pushed you away. I had to be that solid rock that everyone depended on. I always could write those three words down for you in tributes on birthdays and Mother's Day but wow, if I could have only said them every now and then.
Just once...
... but I never did.
And if you ever said them to me, I don't remember.
But, I don't want to bring the mood down.
I'm going to see Maynard on the 24th, Ma, and I'm soooo excited! I need new glasses but I doubt I'll get some by then. I have to get my hair done and find an outfit to buy. I only get dolled up for him, you know. I'm even getting my eyebrows waxed and arched again, which I haven't done in years. Not since that woman scarred me in my teenage years by asking me if I wanted my upper lip done too. D:
I still think my true father was a bear. Is that why I have all this hair sprouting in unwanted places? If he was a bear, I can see why he never was around. He was probably vicious and snarly and always hungry.
Oh, Papa bear, how I hate that I've inherited your hairiness.
Anyhow, Maynard. He's the last person alive that I live my life because of. If I lose him, Ma, I don't know if I can make it by myself. I'm strong but not that strong. You're gone and Michael's gone so please, let me go before him, because I can't bear another death.
I still want his pants, too. I want inside of his pants. I'd sell my innocence to him, I swear. I'd give it away to him. I want his babies. Honestly, Ma, he's the only man I love in that way. And my love for him is constant.
But, I'd never act on it. I'm far too timid. But it's nice to fantasize.
I know I've ogled many a guy in my days, but that's just physical. My attraction to Maynard is far beyond the superficial and shallow. It's deep.
Unlike my lust for Chris Jericho, which has died now that he cut his hair. I still lust after Jeff Hardy though, because goddamn it, he is fucking hot. I'd do him. XD Oh yes, I BROUGHT IT BACK.
Matt... I dunno... he likes Tool, but I just never liked him that way. I'm attracted to his hair and I love the Twist of Fate but that's it.
I haven't watched wrestling since you died. It's not the same. It hurts and sometime I find myself pining to watch it for nostalgia's sake, but I can't.
I haven't watched House either and that was the only show I watched on TV, remember?
Ah, Hugh Laurie.
I'd do him too.
I can't finish Sweeny Todd either because I can't bug you by singing along with it. Ah, those were the days, right?
Ma, I still dream about you. I'm trying to let go. I don't want to keep you from getting the rest and peace you deserve, but sometimes I backslide. I'm glad that I have those dreams, though most of them are actually nightmares, because I can hear your voice again.
I can see your face again and you become alive to me again.
Until I wake up.
I guess soon enough I'll find you there. In that place we all like to hope exists in our moments of despair. But until that time, I'll cherish every moment I have with you in my dreams.
Please touch your son's heart, Ma. He's hurting right now. He's tried to kill himself too many times and he's only fifteen. He's been bounced around from home to home and we've lost touch with him.
I'm scared.
I keep checking his Youtube page and he hasn't been online for three weeks now. Keep him safe. You're all he ever knew and loved and he needs your guidance now more than ever.
The other one is supposed to be getting paroled soon, but we've lost touch with him as well.
We're all so distant now.
It's all so different now.
I worry daily, dreading a phone call that will tell me that I've lost something else in my life.
Please hug Michael for me. He'd appreciate it I'm sure and you'll be getting a hug too. ^^
Oh and don't think I forgot... your birthday is four days away. I'd like to visit your grave, but you know how cemeteries scare me. Just like clowns, elevators, stairs and balconies. I'm going to write you again on your birthday, so expect to hear from me then.
I'm long winded, I know.
I'm sorry.
I'll shut up now.
I love you, Ma.
I miss you.
Sleep peacefully.
Four More Days
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LM.C tour in europe!! Milano Zoe club 28/01/09
Arigatou !!
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-Leslie-
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