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Oh woe.
My chest hurts so much right now and my poor little wicked heart is being underneath the weight of my emotions. I'm quite sad. It's just amazing to me how easily life can change. It's just amazing how many people don't understand until it happens to them personally.
My sister-in-law's mother passed out on the staircase the night after we had this big talk. While we were sitting at the table, she brought up the brother that was lost to the system and we chatted about how he's being completely cut off from all he ever knew and had. Nothing I can't endure. Nothing I can't ignore.
Then comes this:
"His case worker says that he wants to know how his mother died and where she's buried."
My response: "Hell, I don't even know that myself. Why won't someone tell me."
Silence followed and then she and her daughter go outside for a smoke break.
In the kitchen, the gears start clicking in my head and as I stand at the sink washing dishes, I feel my anger and my sadness swelling and swelling and I would have sat on those feelings but she came in and asked "What's wrong with you?"
Hm.
Heh.
Do you really have to ask, I wonder.
Needless to say that I broke my code of silence and my vow to keep my emotions to myself in that moment. I started off calmly but by the end, I was trembling and I was just losing it.
"I didn't mean to make you upset."
Hm, I don't know about that one.
So, I attack my brother's character and she jumps to his defense, obviously. She's his wife and in her eyes, he can do no wrong. She only knows the side of him that he allows her to see.
She doesn't see that callous side of him that resents his own blood family. He hates us because we're a part of him and we remind him of a life he never wanted to live. He can't let go of that resentment and that's why he ran off to Iraq. You can't face reality, so you run and try to hide from it.
He has the death certificate and knows what it says and he hasn't tried to say anything in all these months. How cold can you be? That time I actually asked, I was lied to and I never brought it up again. I swore that I wouldn't bring it up again.
That was, until it was thrown in my face.
Teary and trembling, I laughed it off to save face and said: "Well, I guess this is what I get for being wicked. I don't deserve to know. Even though I was the one that was there and the one that was taking care of her and the one that actually gave a damn about her, but no, I don't get to know."
"Why don't you ask him?"
Why should I have to ask him? That's the thing. He can come and scream at and berate me in front of his in-laws to make himself feel like a man, he can come all quiet and soft when he needs something from me, but anything else, I'm supposed to submit myself and fall pleading for mercy at his feet?
No.
That email I sent him about securing me a ride for a concert? He read it and he didn't even bother to reply. He must have thought I was asking him for money based on something she said, but whatever. I'd whore myself out to hobos and inmates for a quarter at a time before I'd ever ask him for a dime and that is true.
I would never ask him for money, but whenever he asks me for anything, I give it right then and there. That's because I'm only good for being used that way. For amusement, for whatever reason, people always get what they want from me and then I'm of no use.
I told her that if the situation were different and it was her and her siblings, she would have told them without question.
"Maybe he doesn't want to hurt you?"
Hm, how can we be hurt more than we already have been. She's dead. Doesn't really get more painful than that. Knowing how it happened would actually help ease the pain a bit, because there would be a sense of closure.
"Why don't you send him an email, telling him how you feel?"
Why do I always have to be the one to bend? He's almost forty and I'm almost thirty and there's no changing this fucked up relationship we have. He doesn't give a damn, plain and simple and I basically let her know that. He doesn't want to change and oh well, I'll leave it at that.
I'm just so glad that I don't have anyone who gives a damn about me. If I die somehow and he takes control of things, no one has to go through what I go through every fucking day.
He shows he doesn't give a shit in so many ways. His phoniness wears off. Because she's big on family, he has to pretend to care around them. Showing up for birthdays when he hasn't done that in years. Are you serious? How lame can you be?
But he can never keep his act up for too long.
He returned from Iraq on my mother's birthday. Didn't think to call or say: "Hey, I know it's your mother's birthday, so how's it going?" No, he doesn't. I broke down outside and I broke down on the staircase on that day and there was just no one there...
He was still in town on the anniversary of her death and didn't come by or even acknowledge it. That's the day I wandered down the highway, hoping that someone would be merciful enough to run me over.
The concert was the next day. I stayed to myself that day. Just something else I didn't deserve in life. Oh well, whatever. July is and has always been the fuck me month.
Four days later, my birthday comes and everyone in her family says happy birthday. Her sister, her daughter, her mother,her nieces, etc. Her mother asked me if my brother had called and I said no. I told her I didn't expect him to because he never does.
She said: "That's funny because he calls everyone in my family on their birthday."
"That's because he cares. That's because they aren't related to him."
We all spend awhile talking about how trifling his actions are in regard to his own sister.
These are big on family people that he's married into. they all hug and tell one another that they love them every chance they get and that is something I have never seen or heard of in my life. At the end of every phone call, as soon as somebody walks out that front door. It's "I love you, be careful and call me when you get home." Even with their family friends and it was so stunning to see real people doing this.
Interacting with their families, getting together for Family Days.
That's something we have never known.
And I told my sister in law that not every family is going to be perfect like hers. Some are just fucked up. Like ours. You can't fix something like that.
She calls around eleven and wishes me a happy birthday because she didn't even know it was my birthday until her mother said something.
I guess she said something to him on the phone because after midnight he calls and in my mind, I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Why? Why call at all?
I was dry on the phone and I said my birthday was over. He must have not expected that because he faltered for a moment. "Well, you know I'm in a different time zone."
Duh.
I deal with people in different countries daily so I know about time zones. It was already the next day in Iraq and you call me then? When you call everyone in her family on the actual day of their birth and you call her several times a day.
B.S.
But I didn't say something.
There was silence for a few minutes before he finally realized that he was wasting time on a worthless person. "Well, I gotta go."
"Bye."
Didn't hesitate to hang up and give the phone back.
It's just like the day he came by before he left for Iraq. He goes around hugging everyone in her family and saying goodbye to them and then he's on the way out the door. Walked right past me, hugged his mother in law right in front of me.
Then he doubles back and peeks into the kitchen. "Oh, see you later, Ashley."
His stepdaughter's friend was there and she got a hug and a everyone exchanged I love you's and all that goodness, but I got a peek around a corner, a raised hand and a see you later. And I was shocked I even got that. It was an afterthought.
Um, no, you really won't.
You're going to Iraq for the rest of the fucking year, you're not going down the street to borrow some sugar or something.
But whaaaatever.
Then in October, guess who calls on his stepdaughter's birthday to wish her a happy one? Oh, I'm sitting right there and they have a conversation and then at the end, it's the usual, "I love you too, Mister Ceasar."
Yeah, I went outside and had a mini breakdown because the blatant lack of disregard just astounds me sometimes.
Of all the adults living in this house, I'm the only one that contributes financially and I never get a thank you. The mail comes and the bills are opened and sat on a counter for me to pick up.
Then trash is left in the trash can for days, no one takes the trash cans down on trash days. We're supposed to all rotate washing dishes, yet no one seems to wash them but for me and his mother in law.
And there is a seventeen year old and four, now five adults in this house including myself.
But I don't say anything.
What can I say? My thoughts and words don't matter anymore. I started on that email earlier, but I doubt I'll ever have the courage to send it to him. Even if I did, he'd just ignore it. If it's not from someone that he actually gives a damn about, why would he even open the email?
I'm just so tired lately. Just exhausted. My body is so tired and my heart is just hurting daily.
I guess when I finally worry myself to death, I'll find out the cause of my mother's death.
I'll just ask her myself.
That gives me something good to look forward to. Plus, it'll be nice to have someone to talk to again.
But back to the beginning, after that conversation with my sister in law, the next morning we wake up and that day went on like no other day we'd had.
Her mother passed out on the stairs and when she was non-responsive the tears came and that look on her face was the look on mine when I found my mother dead. I never told her this, but the position was almost the exact same.
When you're in that moment, all you can think about is all the things you wish you had said or done differently.
Well, her mother was fine.
My mother died.
But I think she finally realized how it felt to wake up and have the world come crashing down around you.
You can never understand or criticize until you have been in that situation.
People need to realize this more and stop telling people how to deal with their grief. Because when the situations are reversed, no one is going to want anyone telling them how to deal with their own.
Lo and behold, the first thing my sister in law did in those moments of despair was call her siblings.
She has to know in her heart how wrong her husband is, but she just doesn't want to admit it.
Gotta Carry That Weight
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~Hana
★ ShallowSleep Aesthetics★
I envy your camera skillz, Hana.
I need you to help me decide on a good camera to save up for and buy. Right now I've got my Fuji FinePix and it's 10 MP. I figure that if I can master the basics with this, I'll earn the right to buy a better camera.
My main issue is with lighting.
Any suggestions?
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"If people would only believe, I just know that magical things would happen everyday." ~ Paien
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Interfection: A Tale of Two Boys
As for a camera to buy, it really depends on what you're looking for in a photo, and how hard you're willing to work for good photos. Take for instance, if you want to learn all the mechanics behind photography, go for a Nikon (they need more effort on your part and take a while to master) but if you just want some really nice, quick shots, go for a Canon. Obviously, beginner-professional models...like a Nikon D-70s or Canon RebelTX, etc. ^^ I find that most people that want really nice photos without any effort get the RebelTX, LOL. I'm a Nikon person myself, though.
Lighting...is definitely one of the trickier parts of good photography. You just want to make sure your ISO is set to a proper level, and never use the built in flash! They're awful, and make everything blow out and weird looking. Natural lighting is your friend, or stage bulbs. Also, direct SUN lighting isn't a personal favorite of mine either. XD; Usually a shadey/overcast looking day (not really dark!) is the best time to get professional shots that focus and look wonderful.
I'll be happy to help you with any questions you have about photography. <3
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~Hana
★ ShallowSleep Aesthetics★
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